Last time, (see Digging in the Dirt), you were provided with answers for dealing with your unique mental critic – to defuse it, so that it can no longer drive your life. You were also given a series of questions to answer to reveal how you are living your life, finding out how you shaped it.
You think it’s easier to put your finger on the trouble,
When the trouble is you.
And you think it’s easier to know your own tricks,
Well, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
Somebody stepped inside your soul,
Little by little they robbed and stole,
Till somebody else was in control.
The Troubles by U2.
Now, we are going to examine the answers that you wrote in your Discovery Journal. If we can see how we think and act, we can understand why our pattern of living brings us the kind of life that we have. Then, we can replace the unworkable facets of that pattern, with ‘God strategies’ that make for a much better life.
In essence, we are discovering the pattern that separates you from God. Otherwise, your life would be working out just fine.
So, let’s examine your answers in detail. Obviously, you have certain distinctions to your own answers, (names, places, dates, etc.), but how you were affected, has universal overtones…
1. What is it about other people’s behavior that bothers you? Is it ungratefulness, jealousy, anger, hatefulness, or indifference? Notice what kind of hurt, resistance or emotion that you attach to these behaviors. Look to see if you practice similar behavior as well. (Try writing out a sentence identifying what you don’t like when ‘so and so’ does _____. Then replace ‘so and so’ with your name and see how that fits). We tend to reject in others what we don’t like in ourselves.
People who irritate us can be some of our greatest teachers, with regards to helping us recognize our own denial and avoidance strategies. Ask yourself why you choose to have these conflicts in your life. Look at what you can learn from them.
Examine what beliefs you may have, that incubate these experiences. Look at when you have engaged in similar behavior and ask yourself why you did it (or still do). Assess what damage that has wrought, forgive yourself and change horses.
Hold those people with seemingly abhorrent behaviors in loving and compassionate thoughts, because they have suffered equally as you, wrapped up in their own pain. What another person does is rarely personal. Forgive them so that you don’t carry the toxicity of judgment in your heart.
List the things that you appreciate about those people and tell them! When you offer love, acceptance, kindness and appreciation, you will receive likewise. Forget about the past and see them as if you are meeting them for the first time and drop all of your previous expectations.
Commit to breaking down any barriers between you and others. Give up the need to be ‘right,’ so that you can communicate with greater clarity. Be open to working through any hurts together.
If one member suffers, all suffer together… 1 Cor. 12:26 ESV
Be aware that even when we are doing our best to promote our healing, sometimes other people’s ‘stuff’ may trigger our ‘stuff.’ Instead of letting conflict manifest, look at those encounters as an opportunity to rise to a new level of understanding and compassion.
When we blame others, we’re only trying to protect our wounds. Take those wounds to Christ in meditation for healing.
Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. Jas. 5:13 NASB
In your conflicts, ask yourself, ‘Why am I hurt? What meaning did I bring to this event? How has it cost me to keep reliving it? What would my life look like, if I recognized that that old hurt is no longer valid?
Choose to be consciously present, instead of running when your old hurts show up. Avoiding suffering only guarantees its persistence. When you see how you do suffering, and what that feels like, you can have a greater compassion for everyone who does suffering…
2. What keeps you from being happy? The answer in a nutshell, is you. Your unhappiness stems from your obsession with your Life Story. That’s the space where you made yourself a victim, declared your powerlessness, and where you wait for someone or something to save you.
How could you possibly be happy, when you don’t give yourself love, compassion, kindness or respect? You’re dissatisfied with yourself, others and life itself. You punish yourself for flaws you’ve never had, and you’ve created a litany of impossible conditions to meet before you think you can be happy.
Again, look deeply into the ‘whys’ of your behaviors, e.g. ‘Why and when did I formulate these thoughts? Are they really true? What are they costing me? How would my life be if I didn’t have them?’ You must change your thinking!
You can be happy at any moment. It is a choice. But first, take responsibility for where you are at in life, and acknowledge that given your present direction, you aren’t experiencing it. Ask yourself, ‘Where am I? How did I get to this point? What can I learn from this? What is possible?’
The past is gone; the future is unknowable. Happiness, like life, only lives in the present moment. Put up notes around the house to remind you to choose to be happy. Jump into the present moment; it’s the only moment you have.
Reach inside and touch that child within you that still suffers from his or her wounds and give unconditional love and acceptance to disarm those events. Shower yourself with kindness and respect, knowing that you deserve it all. There is nothing wrong with you. Never was. Be your own best friend and lover.
Commit to living in reality – seeing what is real and living by the truth (God’s ways). There is no happiness in wanting life to be other than it is. You were born complete and whole. Bolster your life by sharing yourself.
With love comes extreme happiness…
So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! Eccl. 9:7 NLT
In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider – God has made the one as well as the other… Eccl. 7:14 NASB
Happy is he who has no reason to condemn himself for what he approves. Rm. 14:22 AMP
3. What causes you sadness? Sadness is a normal emotion, usually preceded by loss. We grieve over the loss of a favorite thing, a pet, or a loved one – dealt to us by death, absence, or abandonment. Life always changes, as do the players and playthings we share our life with. It in the natural progression of things.
‘Being sad’ is what we do when we contemplate how that loss has affected us. It’s how we are wired. It’s natural to grieve and then get over it. Pray for insight. You will see that sadness is a way that lets you know that you have a hurt that needs to be healed. When you recognize the hurt, you can bring that to Jesus for healing.
However, if you dwell on / cling to your sadness, it morphs into ‘suffering,’ and your life begins to bleed out of you. All suffering is only based upon your opinions. The only way to get suffering out of your world, is to get it out of you.
If you have already manufactured your suffering, pray in your mediation for Jesus’ help to see how you do suffering. Look at what heavy meanings you’ve attached to your sadness. Ask yourself if there is any validity to those meanings (usually not) and let them go.
Sadness is only an emotion – a burst of energy with a physical sensation attached. Any other meaning that you attach to your sadness, is meaningless. No reason to add suffering. Just acknowledge your sadness and choose not to make yourself, others or the world wrong, because you feel that way.
And don’t forget to comfort yourself. Meet Jesus in a meditative fashion, with prayer, acknowledging that this is one of those moments where you need to give yourself more love and compassion. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I sad?’ See if your reasons are valid. Ask Christ to reveal anything you might be suppressing or denying, so that you can scrutinize those as well.
Common causes of sadness include: I lost my car, dog, spouse, child, etc., (regardless of the reason why)). It’s okay to be sad over these reasons. We must grieve and then move on, because life is always changing, so there will always be loss.
But think about this: in most cases, it’s not a thing or a person who brings you joy. It’s the change in the state of your heart that they elicit, when they are in your presence. Your heart makes a joy-filled imprint of that state, so that you can reach inside and touch that joy at any time. Nothing really leaves you.
Coming out of sadness is accomplished by reframing your thinking, by tapping into your heart more than your head. It’s about changing your focus from ‘They’re gone from my life forever!’ to ‘I’ve been so blessed to have had them in my life, and to be able to hold onto the treasures they’ve deposited in my heart forevermore.’
Another common cause of sadness comes from poor self-talk, e.g. ‘I’ve done horrible things; I’m a horrible person.’ Maybe you have done horrible things. The answer is always to confess and repent. If God forgives you, how can you dare to hold your forgiven sin against yourself.
Whatever you did, you were preoccupied with an illusion of what you thought you had to engage in, to survive life. Everyone has committed transgressions that they wish they had not. We need to stay alert to the moments when it is necessary to make ‘course corrections,’ when we have slipped back into the world.
We can only sally forth and give life our best effort without being anxious about whether it is perfect. When you suffer, acknowledge that you are holding onto something. Question why that is, and if it is wise to (Not!). Let it go.
Keep giving yourself unconditional love and compassion, and your suffering will give way to joy. Then, go and do the same for others. Nothing gets rid of suffering more effectively than helping others get rid of theirs.
Another common cause of suffering is being tethered to the past, e.g. ‘I had a horrible past.’ This comes from your Life Story, which we will examine next time…
A joyful heart makes a face cheerful, but a sad heart produces a broken spirit. Pr. 15:13 CSB
Goodnight and God bless.