Last time, we covered an introduction to the overall approach for creating the space for healthy, happy relationships, (see The Secrets of Successful Relating).

         Now, we are going to look at how to do / build a successful relationship in present time.

            What is it that we all want out of being related? Isn’t it love? Love is the highest form of relating, an expression of God Himself. Love transcends Hollywood and it eclipses feelings. Feelings come and go. Love is not dependent upon some internal disposition. Love abides even when your feelings waiver, which they do several times per day!

            If you want a loving relationship, bring your love. That is the only part you are responsible for. It’s up to your partner to bring theirs. Also, bring your acceptance, letting your partner know that they are perfect for this relationship just the way they are. If your partner does likewise, you’ll both be free of having to fashion a mask to hide imaginary flaws.

            When you consider a potential partner, ask yourself, ‘This is who they present themselves to be. Is she / he a good fit for me?’ ‘Can I adjust my expectations and live with their eccentricities?’ ‘Can I honor and respect them?’ ‘Are they willing to meet my expectations?’ ‘Can they?’ ‘Will I be content with those they are able to meet?’ ‘Am I willing to provide for myself those wants and needs that they cannot?’ ‘Am I willing to meet theirs?’

            All these questions must be answered with a resounding ‘yes’ to have a workable relationship. If you can’t visualize a successful relationship with them, love them for who they are, be grateful for what they’ve brought to your life, and wish them a love-filled life elsewhere.

            Relatedness is something that all of us are already engaged in. That’s why the hot pursuit of people trying to get related is so ironic. If we only relaxed and embraced what life is giving us, what we can give ourselves, and what the people we already have in our lives could contribute, we could find ourselves in a mutually constructed loving relationship, where happiness wasn’t that elusive after all…

            Let’ consider some of the foundational pillars of healthy happy relationships:

1. Stay present. Let the past go, so that your wounded child within won’t drive your adult relationships. Your past was only an outcome, not a mistake. Look at others with fresh eyes and treat them the way that you want to be treated, i.e., love and forgive – repeatedly (Mt. 7:12 & 18:21, 22.).

• Drop all guilt and shame. You will make mistakes. Acknowledge them, take responsibility for them, and do as much damage control as you can. Let go of judgment – especially those that manifest shame. Confess them so that you never have to worry about being ‘found out’ again (Jas. 5:16; 1 Jn. 1:9.).

• Never stop questioning your thoughts. Nothing works better than the truth (Zec. 8:16; 1 Cor. 13:4-6.)

• See the differences between you and your partner as ‘building blocks’ for a synergistic relationship that transcends your singular contributions. Do not try to change yourself or your significant other. You were both made in the image of God (Gn. 1:27).

• Give up the need for anyone’s approval. Free yourself from the opinions of others. Live from Jehovah’s point of view and your life will flourish (Ps. 37:4 – 6; Pr. 3:5, 6.).

• Make healthy choices. Don’t choose people who like to dance with you in your old dramas. They only represent a repeat role model for an incomplete relationship that you had in your past. Disassemble your old unworkable choice-making strategies and follow your heart.

• You are responsible for bringing 100% of your happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the relationship. Your partner is not there to do that for you. Share with them how you like to be loved, but accept that the way that they love you, is their best way of doing it. That needs to be okay if you want this person in your life. That way, they don’t have to ‘get it right,’ and neither do you.

• Steer clear of people who are aloof, perfectionists, controlling, judgmental, defensive, or dishonest. (BIG HINT: Never look for a partner when you are feeling lonely. You’ll settle for less.) Choose good character above all else. Look for someone who is truthful, willing to be vulnerable, responsible for themselves, willing to show and share intimacy, honest, giving, forgiving, disposed to changing unworkable behaviors and one who is committed to staying conscious. In short, seek out the person you are aspiring to be.

• Drop any form of human dependency. You really don’t need anyone. Except for your relationship with Jehovah, all relationships are temporary. Everyone will leave you for one reason or another – they die, the kids get married, etc. Realize the gift of the relationship while you are having it! Afterwards, it will live in your heart forever. However, if you come from a position of ‘need,’ you will be preoccupied in losing this person, and never be able to be with them in present time. Instead, decide to live a good life, regardless of who or what passes in or out of it, embracing the lessons of love gifted to you in that passing.

1. Your relationships will reflect your present state of awareness. Each one holds an opportunity for spiritual growth and increased compassion. Love exists in the moments of your journey when you reconnect with your true self – learning to love others and yourself as you / they are, not as you think we should be.

Now you have all the fundamentals for having a great relationship. The big question is, ‘Are you ready to relate?’

            Teachings, philosophies, and observations are worthless unless the lessons within them are applied. You must get your feet wet. Once you’ve first provided true love for yourself, it will be time to step into the ring.

            If you’ve been faithful in doing the work presented in this series, you won’t make poor choices out of desperation, e.g., trying to find someone to ‘complete’ you. That won’t be a consideration because you are already whole.

            Your love will attract your right partner. When they show up, commit to relating. Always see yourself in him / her. This will continually strengthen your compassion and help nurture your commitment for their well-being. In turn, you will trigger a like response from them. If you do your best to walk in their shoes, you’ll see how the world has molded them and be able to help them move beyond their worldly self.

            Compassion helps relieve your partner’s pain, which creates greater happiness and peace in the relationship. Demonstrate that compassion without trying to ‘fix’ them. Know that when you partner suffers, you will suffer. Ask them what it is that they need. Often, they will have trouble articulating it because of some internal judgment. Help them clarify their needs.

            Every time you see your significant other, look at them as if you’re meeting them for the first time – forgetting anything that might have been acted out unconsciously before this moment. Reconnect at every new encounter, reviving those feelings and visions that you had when you first felt your love for them.

            Embrace them in every encounter, with no regards to whether they will return it. It is your gift of love. Conversely, when they embrace you, be present to their love. It is in your receiving of their love that sends it back to them. In that moment, breathe deeply and remind yourself, ‘My love is in my arms; how precious she / he is and how blessed I am.’

            Feel the love flowing in you and out of you. Your ‘lovemaking’ (in and out of the bedroom, physical and non-physical), will become a space of utmost joy, safety, and support as you both learn how to nurture one another without urgency or critique.

            See your partner as the gift that they are to you and let them know it! Tell them how they have positively impacted your life. Realize your relationship is perfect in that moment…

            Goodnight and God bless.