Last time, (see part one), we looked at how as children, we constructed an ‘ego’ to help us cope with a world we viewed as treacherous, and believed we were incapable of living in it. We also saw how this feeling we have, was a function of parental, governmental and media indoctrination, which began with the devil in the Garden of Eden. Ultimately, we take on a self-image of being unlovable and / or inadequate.
How does all that show up in your life? Fear – in all its forms. A ‘fear mindset’ is the disease of an anxious world (see Fearless).
Fear is a result of recycled emotions packaged in the meanings that we gave to our past experiences, maximized by our need for love and acceptance from others, (who are just as messed up as we are, under the grip of their own Life Story).
It cripples us, yet fear is not a real thing. It’s an emotional mechanism for avoiding things that might happen and make you suffer. But it is this very preoccupation that agonizes you. Your focus is in the wrong direction:
Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety. Pr. 29:25 NLT
Moreover, chronic fear is ruinous to your health, causing insomnia, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attack, strokes and cancer.
When the fearful child reaches adulthood, he or she avoids the unknown for fear of failure and the punishment that they believe would follow. Their biggest punisher is that devilish voice in their own head. Life is lived in a near panic state, trying not to make a mistake, striving to be perfect.
There are three basic fears:
1. The fear of death: This is especially acute in those without faith in God. If you don’t know Him, you have no foundation for dealing with death, because no human being has returned from the dead to tell us what happens. It is the idea of dying that is at the root of their fear. Subsequently, they cling to earthly possession and people, not realizing that their very act of indulging in this fear brings a swifter demise.
2. The fear of abandonment: This is rooted in the belief of being unacceptable or unlovable. As a result, you look to others to find your meaning in life. Thus, you are preoccupied with a fear that people will leave you; and you become a ‘people pleaser.’ But you work against yourself by projecting your own ‘self-rejection’ upon them, while you’re obsessing over how they might perceive you. Ultimately, they will see the pain in your frenzy and will reject you because it reminds them of their own suffering.
It wasn’t personal; but ego will tell you that it was. And should you start to care for someone, that voice will say that he / she is wrong for you. So, you desperately search for love, while holding them at arm’s length, taking a preemptive defensive posture and obsessing on imaginary problems – ultimately driving them away.
3. The fear of change (impermanence): Yet, the only thing life guarantees is change. However, most people try to resist impermanence because they want to be in control of all their outcomes. Here’s a big clue: We don’t know what will happen next, and there is no control! God is the only unchangeable force in this universe, the only reality. We live in an anxious world because we want to usurp Jehovah’s control, to resist reality, which is the source of all suffering.
“I am the LORD, I do not change.” Mal. 3:6 NLT
We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. Pr. 16:9 NLT
Other expressions of fear: (see Anger Kills)
Envy: the fear of being ‘less than,’ believing others to be better than you.
Jealousy: a lust for something someone else has, while holding them in disdain for their apparent good fortune.
Pride: lifting yourself above others, effectively oppressing them.
Anger: the biggest fear of all – the fear of life itself. It is an unsuccessful strategy of an oppressive defense, borne out of a refusal to bear the responsibility for how their life is unfolding. And they project this anger onto anyone whom they feel is interfering with their survival mechanisms.
Anger is a form of ‘closing down’ by ‘striking out.’ It creates walls between the angry one and the target of their wrath. It is addictive, feeding upon itself and getting stronger with every outburst.
It is a false relief valve. We explode to take the pressure off or ourselves and to shift our accountability for our life onto something or someone else. Eventually, anger becomes an uncontrollable torrent, detonating even when we don’t want it to.
Our tirades drive everyone away, piling shame and guilt upon ourselves. Worse, it does nothing to relieve our pain and eventually leads to violence against ourselves and others.
Ironically, this is one of the rare times that voice in your head will agree with you, saying, ‘Didn’t I tell you that you were unhappy? See how wretched life is, how the world is, and what it’s done to you? How can you possibly get along without me?
Anger makes you think that you are powerful, but it is actually killing you.
Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper – it only leads to harm. Ps. 37:8 NLT
Roots of anger:
- Not liking something; i.e. manifesting your ‘preferences.’
- Wanting life to be different yet suffering from paralysis due to the fear of change.
- Seeing others as ‘enemies’ because they don’t share your preferences.
- Afraid the past will repeat itself, trying to protect yourself against potential rejection.
- Trying to avoid having your mistakes being revealed, or having your false persona exposed.
- Fighting what you think is an attempt by someone to control you – especially if you see yourself as a victim.
How does life look when you are driven by fear?
You become obsessed with getting everything right, filled with terror that you might not, that it might be out of your control. Fear smothers you, paralyzes you, making you afraid to make any decisions in life. You are afraid to do, to be, and you run from the meanings that you’ve attached to everything. It is fear that you run from, without realizing that you are generating it.
We scramble from the present moment and hide from the next one, because they are unknowns. Thus, we lose any opportunity to be happy, because we’re too busy struggling to bring all our conditions together that we think must be met, to have that perfect moment – the one that never comes.
Life is something we react to instead of evaluating it, so we are perpetually blind to the true nature of what we are afraid of. What we are afraid of is being ourselves. There can be no life without fear, if we are frightful of expressing our true selves.
We believe the lies that our ego throws at us – that same one who invalidates our feelings, while eviscerating us for having them. Yet is pales in comparison to the abuse we heap upon ourselves.
Piteously, we believe there is a secret to managing life and we are sure that everyone else knows it, but we can’t seem to figure it out. The truth is, life presents itself as it is, but we won’t accept it because it’s not the way we want it. We’re so afraid that we’ll never get it all together. Spoiler alert: nobody does! We are all a work in progress.
No one would consciously hurt themselves and others, invite pain, and believe that they were unlovable or unacceptable. It’s just that they forgot their God-given perfection:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you, says the LORD. “I will end your captivity…” Jer. 29:12 – 14. NLT
To be continued…
Goodnight and God bless.