Previously, (see Part 1 and Part 2), we looked at how we might construct a distorted view of life, (that it is unsafe), and a broken view of ourselves (that we were unlovable and / or unacceptable). We also examined how we fabricated an ego to navigate our problems that were created from that mindset. And we saw how that voice in our head turned against us and became our greatest critic.
Then we examined how this view of the world and ourselves filled us with perpetual fear, and saw the damage that it does.
If you are chronically afraid, you live in a state of continuous defense. One of the ways you do that is by creating a false self-image, a mask, if you will (see Are There Giants Blocking Your Path?).
You weren’t born with a self-image; you had a God-image:
So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Gn. 1:27 NLT
But then, life stepped all over you, or, at least you perceived it that way; and that voice in your head makes sure that that conviction remains intact. In desperation to be loved, you create a false persona, a mask to hide behind, and to present to others, hoping that they will then find you acceptable.
The problem is that you build the foundation of your mask on the myriad of lies that your ego tells you that you must incorporate to be acceptable.
In other words, you try to appear to others as someone who isn’t real. And you can never let your guard down. Why? Because that devil in your head has convinced you that you have shameful hidden parts or behaviors, which would drive any potential partner away if they were discovered.
An exhausting effort must be sustained in maintaining the imagined integrity of your mask. And you continually fine-tune it to please each person that comes along – all in order to avoid rejection. Worse, because that other person never gets to respond to the ‘real’ you, your true needs are never met. Why? Because you don’t express them.
The core problem that drives this mess, is that we never examine what we think about; or what drives our need to purposefully take on a false identity. The mask is a symbol of our suffering, which keeps it front and center in our focus.
Your life never gets to be lived because the voice in your head keeps feeding your self-image. It knows that as long as your obsessed with that, you will never reach your full potential as a child of God.
Until then, you will continue to judge yourself for who you are not, and then administer self-flagellation in order to make you a ‘good’ person. However, you cannot beat ‘goodness’ into anyone….
As you might deduce, if your ability to relate to the world and the people in it is broken, and your speaking from behind a mask, your ability to effectively communicate is highly diminished (see Communication Breakdown).
This happens to everyone to some degree. We are all engaged in sharing our false ‘Life Stories’ through the filter of our fabricated masks; and each mask is unique. Therefore, we hold no common views, making the exchange of truth impossible.
Real communication is all but lost:
They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself… Rm. 1:25 NLT
Think about it. Is not your mask a created thing for acquiring the favor of the world / humankind; when we should be cultivating the acceptance of God?
Communication becomes a hollow, unsatisfying exchange – almost painful. Subsequently, many people isolate themselves and live in their heads. When they do muster futile attempts at human-to-human interaction, it becomes an exercise in knee-jerk reactions from behind a wall of defense – to keep from being ‘triggered’ into wallowing in the pain of old imagined wounds.
If your attention is always focused on self-preservation, you cannot accurately hear what the other person has to say. This is coupled with your inattentiveness, because you’re waiting for them to cease wagging their tongues – so that you can blurt out your truth and invalidate theirs.
You know when you’re in this ‘zone,’ when you tell yourself, ‘I’ve heard all this before.’ In this space, you learn nothing new, and stay shackled to your past. And in your frenzy to be ‘right,’ you make the other person ‘wrong,’ creating enemies, and bringing more loveless loneliness upon yourself.
We see then, that when we are self-absorbed, and living a lie, our inability to relate to others, fractures our connection with them, including the one we have with God Himself (see Rejecting God Leads to Broken Relationships).
Our entire lives are lived within the framework of relationships – with friends, family, significant others, coworkers, ourselves and God. Yet, for most people, relating is the hardest part of living.
God gave us a manual (the Bible) for how to have good relationships, but most people do not refer to it. Instead, we take our cues from watching how our parents related, (many unsuccessfully), and absorbed them without examination for efficacy.
As a result, we are thrust into relationships since birth, one after another, without workable clues – helplessly trying to learn to do relating, while falling in and out of them. And that voice in our head is of no help, because our preoccupation with listening to its lies, has caused us to be afraid to share our true selves.
Pathetically, we at least hope that others will fall in love with our masks. Yet, that will never bring authentic and loving relationships. You must allow them to see the real you and how you need to be loved…
So, we show up for relationships with a HUGE self-induced disadvantage. We are sad, scared and defeated before we even start, pining over our imaginary flaws, hoping this new person will be able to ‘fix’ us. Yet, we come bearing our false personas and wonder why they don’t relate to us.
We cannot get anything from anyone unless we are first willing to provide it for ourselves. It is not possible for someone else to alter the experience that we have created of ourselves (see Why Are Your Relationships Disappointing? )
This experiential change must come from within. We must learn to love and accept ourselves first, before we can ever know when we are receiving that from others. We begin by looking at how God feels about us: There is no one unacceptable in Jehovah’s eyes, and He cherishes everyone.
Without this change, we will only continue to attract people who run the same unworkable schemes that we do – who will abuse us in the same proportion of assault to which we tolerate from our ego.
Think about this: if you have two false personas coming together to get something without reciprocating, what chance do you have for a loving, accepting relationship?
Staying with old mindsets, it’s obvious that there will be a lot of failed relationships, which brings along with it, pain and suffering. Because we are afraid of that experience, we begin to avoid relating altogether.
You can’t fix this by yourself. You have to tap into God’s way of loving:
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 Jn. 4:18 NLT
For many of those still operating in the dark, there comes a time when the pain of loneliness far outweighs the fear of inadequacy and failure. So, they venture out once more – frantically grasping for scraps of tenderness. However, their tactics are riddled with flaws.
The People Pleaser: They are always giving of themselves, hoping the recipient of their efforts will intuit the manner in which the pleaser wants to be loved. Yet it is always a one-way street, because their love-interest does not read minds. This tactic shows up as a fearful frenzy of giving, in addition to performing in ways to check their partner’s wrath, to prevent abandonment, or to glean a smidgen of love and acceptance.
Dropping your common-sense boundaries: These sufferers take on the attitude that anyone is better than being alone; and in their acute need, they will take in strays, smothered in ‘red flags.’ They’ve lost the ability to discern what is good or bad for them, because their primary need is for acceptance, regardless of where they get it. Subsequently, they invite problematic relationships, irrespective of their toxicity – trying to compel their partner to love them.
Hunting for the ‘one’: You know who the ‘one’ is. He / she is the flawless mate who will love you perfectly and save you from suffering. A hunter is one who is ‘loneliness’ personified, a desolation begotten from self-rejection. Should you miraculously find the ‘one,’ that voice in your head will tell you the he / she is not, because true love means certain death for that rascal. Lastly, desperate love hunters attract other hunters who exist at the same level of suffering.
Regardless of which tactic is used, the attempt at relationships between broken people generally follow this pattern:
- In the initial rush of attraction, the participants look at each other with ‘rose-colored’ glasses,’ ignoring any warning signs as they paint the picture of an ideal romance, trying to fill their aching need for intimacy. The fixation is on the similarities they share, (the things they like the best about themselves). Each think ‘This it!’ And they let their walls of defense crumble – giddy with the notion of being in love.
- Eventually, their focus lands upon their ‘differences’ – perceived to be barriers against their agendas; and the romantic dream begins to implode.
- Instead of seeing these differences as seeds for growth, as an amalgam of new possibilities, you make your partner ‘wrong’ for having them. You recall what was wrong with your previous relationship(s), mystified that the same problem has reared its ugly head again.
- Your ‘fix’ is to demonstrate to them the ‘perfect’ way things need to be done. At this point, you have moved into a position of judgment – a reflection of your self-righteousness. You tell yourself that your partner is wrong. Yet, what’s wrong with them is the thing that you don’t like about yourself. So, most of the time, it is not your partner who is the problem!
- Safety and trust are lost. Resentment builds. Competition begins for attention and control; and victim mindsets are firmly set in place.
- Survival strategies ensue – either by passively modeling the behavior they want to see from the other, or aggressively punishing the other by caustic speech, withholding love, or distancing.
- The old hurts begin to surface and outward conflict begins. They see each other as the enemy, but inwardly they believe that the relationship is failing due to some inadequacy that they themselves possess.
Ultimately, they will either anesthetize themselves or walk away and hunt once more; and the cycle repeats.
The only way that a healthy nurturing relationship can work is if we make a continuing choice to be related, to bring love and compassion, and commit to being present with our partner – staying awake to whatever life is offering.
Unfortunately, most people can’t get to that space because their focus is always on their own needs. They bring no empathy, compassion, love or understanding. What they do show up with, is self-defense and control; and then they wonder why their relationships don’t last…
Wow! Revealing our hurts carries a lot of painful insights. Isn’t it time that we looked at how to heal them?
Next time…
Goodnight and God bless.