Last time, we explored how to build a healthy, happy, love-filled, mutually respectful relationship (see The Secrets of Successful Relating 2).

            But what happens when our humanity slips out and we fall back into worldly ways that create conflict? I alluded to those blips briefly at the end of The Secrets of Successful Relating. Even the best relationships encounter them.

         Relating is a human process; and like anything of human origin, it can and will be blown off its course from time to time. Because we cannot know 100% of the time what is going on in the head of our partner, we will inadvertently offend them. It’s essential that the offense is handled swiftly and lovingly, rather than running to the opposite corners of a boxing ring.

            Timing is everything. ‘Loving correction’ needs to be applied ASAP, to acknowledge anger and / or hurt, and to defuse it expeditiously, to prevent resentment. Still, one must look to see when the offended partner is ready, willing, and able, to hear what you need to express.

            Most of the time, their anger is rooted in some unresolved issue in their past, and about the pain that they associated with it, that you unconsciously triggered. Thus, this conflict can be an opportunity to shed some light on their self-created ball and chain.

            Keep your attitude grounded in love, remembering the impermanence of all things, as well as how precious this person is. Treasure the finite time that you have with them. Take a deep breath and feel the love that you have for him / her, and the love that you have received.

            Help them look at what they are afraid of seeing in themselves, as well as assisting them to take ownership of that fear. Apply compassion.

            Examine yourself. Are your actions pushing your partner’s hot buttons? If so, begin doing the opposite. (Don’t judge yourself; just make the adjustments).

            If you are the offended party, ask yourself if you feel judged. Look to see if you have unresolved issues that propagate your feelings. Then, determine whether you are projecting your self-judgment onto them. If so, meditate over this issue until the roots of it are revealed.

            Listen to your partner, without assuming you know everything about them. Be open to receiving more wisdom. Make space within the relationship for two sets of opinions. Don’t try to mold your partner into being more like you. It is the diversity that brings greater synergistic strength to your relationship.

         If your partner is suffering, allow them the full expression of that, without adding your own suffering to the mix. Just be there for them.

            Many times, they will shower you with a little dose of their suffering. IT IS NOT PERSONAL. They are trying to move through a hurt and indulging in an unconscious form of retribution. You just happened to be a convenient target by virtue of proximity and familiarity.

            Come together to find ways to facilitate their journey through their suffering, and apply forgiveness. Don’t insist on your partner’s forgiveness. What is important is that you forgive them and yourself.

            Build a mutually agreed upon method for reconciliation.

            Be open to receiving critiques from your partner regarding your actions, but not those about who you are. Don’t throw up walls of defense. Look to see if any of those ‘assessments’ are true, and accept them as acts of love from your partner to help you grow.

            Relating has a certain amount of perplexity, because it often taps into the relationship that you have with yourself. That’s why it is so important to clean that up. Often, your partner will mirror back to you the things that you deny about yourself. Use that to resolve them in your present relationship, rather than kicking that can down the road to suffer again in a relationship with another person.

            Sometimes, a relationship is not meant to be life-long. Instead, it could be intended to bring your consciousness to the next level. However, you can still retain the love that was generated it in your heart, and use it to relate more wisely and lovingly in your next relationship.                   

            Don’t obsess over whether your partner will leave you. It takes away the ability to be present with them. God is loving you through them now. Receive it. If you love yourself and love God, you will be happy, whole, and complete, with or without your partner.

            If the vision that you and your partner had for your relationship becomes irreparably divergent, give yourselves the space to disconnect in peace and love, without rejecting yourself.

            Finally, each relationship has been perfect. If you are willing to learn from it, it will bring you to a place of higher consciousness (greater godliness). Commit to your growth, and your next partner will show up living on the higher plane that you’ve grown into…

         Before we wrap this up, I would be remiss if I didn’t go into a short examination of the man / woman relationship, and the factors each gender brings to a working togetherness.

         Jehovah created man and woman to enhance one another (Gn. 2:18). They complement each other – equal but different. The diversity of the differences adds value and potential for growth. Thus, we need to understand the variances between the sexes, to meld them, rather than be threatened by them.

            For example, women are more intuitive – better at listening to their hearts. Conversely, men give greater credence to logic. It behooves the man to ask his partner about her ‘gut feeling’ on matters that affect them both, so that together, they can make decisions that incorporate their nuances of understanding.

            Both sexes (and there are only two), share the same emotions. However, women wear them on their sleeves, which facilitates a much greater awareness and expression of them. Indeed, it is vital that they do so, because they often cogitate through those expressions by vocalizing them. I have a female friend who suggested that women were ‘outward processors.’ (See how that works?)

            Women want to be seen and heard by their male partners while they process their challenges, but they don’t necessarily want him to fix them.

            Men are not generally emotive. Instead, they contain their emotions, (a learned behavior), and withdraw into themselves to analyze their problems. It does not mean that they do not feel. They are problem-solvers, prone to fix things because it makes sense to their logical mindset.

            When a woman wants to begin a conversation with a man, she is better served by getting straight to the point, because if he realizes she doesn’t want a ‘fix,’ he will tune her out. However, if she makes it clear at the outset that she doesn’t need a fixing, he can listen from a different place. He will still process it in his male mindset, which means that the answer might not be immediate, because he must withdraw into his head to work through what he heard.

            Some women realize that most men cannot stand in the face of extreme emotion, and some use that knowledge to try and dominate him. If that dominating process includes negative criticism, (as it often does), it will emasculate him. It produces bitterness in him as he perceives what he thinks are her efforts to downgrade and control him. So, he tries to create distance.

            She gets resentful because she sees that he’s avoiding her. In reality, he’s running off frantically trying to find ways to do things for her that he hopes will restore love, approval, and peace.

            Women are never going to stop being emotionally expressive; and a man needs to accept that. However, she needs to learn that expressing her emotions, and making her partner a target of them, are not the same. Both need to address the situations instead of finding fault with each other’s essence.

            Communicative strategies differ as well. Men, (the least complex), say what they mean and prefer a direct response. Women tend to ruminate over what is said, as they filter what they hear through their emotions.

            Loving communication is everything. Both partners need to save their bitching and complaining for times with their friends.

Home is reserved for love. Before one engages in mental fisticuffs with their partner, they need to stop and consider if this hill is worth dying on. If you know that you are going to have a kerfuffle, there ought to be a mutual agreement first, for how a mutual resolution should look. After the situation is resolved, each must offer each other forgiveness and permanent amnesia.

            Synergism that strengthens the relationship, is created when both partners learn about each other’s approach to life, appreciate what comes natural to each, and amalgamate these two strategic approaches, into a new strategy that satisfies and honors the desires of each.

            We all need to be nurtured; but we need to tell each other what that looks like.

            Also, as fundamental as it may sound, everyone needs to feel that they are physically attractive to their mate. Attraction leads to desire. Romance is a two-sided affair; and everyone likes to be seduced.

         Ultimately, lather love lavishly – putting your partner’s well-being above anybody else’s. A successful relationship is one where both of you make the choice to love one another every day, committing to be with each other, and respecting and edifying one another.

            Yes, relationships are a lot of work, but the rewards are immeasurable…

Goodnight and God bless.