Do You Know Who You Are?

Do you know what you are?

You are what you is

You is what you am

A cow don’t make ham

You ain’t what you’re not

So see what you got

You are what you is

And that’s all it is

You Are What You Is – Frank Zappa

Most of God’s creations shine, reflecting the glory of God just by being what they were created to be – naturally luminous. However, Jehovah’s greatest creation, humankind, unconsciously smother themselves with layers of dark lies that block out the Divine Light (see Revealing the Hurt 3).

But what if we didn’t do that? If you have been following along, you know that you don’t have to. You’ve learned that you are not your false mind (ego), that there was never anything wrong with you, and you’ve partnered with Christ to keep you that way.

Your Life Story is nullified, tossed into the dust bin, along with all the roots of your fears that it contained. And you’ve made peace with yourself and now rest in the peace of your Savior. You can finally remove your mask and live as the real, wonderful you (see Climbing Out of the Shell, Climbing Out of the Shell 2, Fear No More, and Finding Your Divine Peace).

God equipped us from birth with everything that we need to live a successful life. We started out whole, and our path was set before us:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Ps. 139:13 – 16. NLT

Yes, we’ve done some flawed thinking and committed some unsound actions; but who we are has always been perfect, good enough, loveable and acceptable. From all the work that we have been doing, we are ready to do the things that keep us in the present moment and release all our efforts to control life and eliminate change, in our old relentless quest for security.

‘Change’ is a critical part of life. And life cannot be controlled. To resist that which cannot be resisted, will most assuredly flood you with feelings of helplessness and unworthiness. Out of that, is why you created your mask in the first place – hoping it would bring you acceptance.

We are all created to be far more than just acceptable. As a true extension of God, through Christ, we were made perfect. There is nothing to improve. And seeing as how we are graced with Divine approval; we need not seek it elsewhere. There is nothing to prove.

The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Ps. 27:1, 2. NLT

Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions. Pr. 18:2 NLT

Living an extraordinary life is not founded upon what you have. Its richness is had by letting go – releasing your false self, your self-condemnation, the non-existent past, the nebulous future and your unworkable coping patterns.

What had heretofore kept you a prisoner was not life; it was your resistance to it that was spawned in that war you were waging in your head. At that root of that, was your old desire for control. When you let that go, you will have infinite freedom to embrace life in every moment.

Be the master of your thinking. Invalidate the negativity and fear and focus upon thoughts of love. That is where truth rests. You get what you put your attention on. The power is within you. You’ve seen how you created your past life; you can create anew.

Think in terms of ‘completeness,’ e.g. ‘I am peaceful,’ not ‘I am somewhat peaceful.’ Compared to what? Your focus is drawn to the ‘what.’

Bring each day into single-mindedness by asking yourself, ‘I have ___ in my life because…’ and ‘I don’t have ___ in my life because…’ These questions reveal whatever emotional charges that you are bringing to your day, so that you can make any mental alterations to enhance your experience.

Finally, ask yourself uplifting questions: ‘How can I share myself today?’ ‘How can I reflect total love?’ ‘How does Jehovah want me to serve Him today?’ ‘Where do I want to place my focus?’

You may experience fear in this process of waking up, because your entire life was an expression of your false self-image. Keep that in mind. You never needed it and most people saw through it anyway. God created you to be magnificent. Embrace that gift within you.

We are in midst of burning off the dross that the world contaminated us with. Also, we are turning our eyes towards God, soliciting His redemption, which He lovingly and freely gives:

…God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Phil. 1:6 NLT

So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of Lord. And the Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into His glorious image. 2 Cor. 3:18 NLT

When we stop condemning ourselves, we become the recipients of God’s mercy. We are a creation of His love. Nothing that we have done, or had done to us, would ever make us unlovable in His eyes. As we receive and give that same love and acceptance, the dark mind within us withers into insignificance (see Letting Go of the Mask 1, 2 and 3).

You deserve a love-filled life. It is your birthright. You don’t need to earn it. Only open your heart to receive it.

You don’t need anyone’s approval for being yourself. You don’t need fixing or punishment. When you struggled in the past, it was because you had an issue that was difficult for you, not because there was anything wrong with you. Bring all the pain from that past life and lay that burden at the feet of Jesus. Healing will follow…

If we support ourselves 100%, it won’t matter what others do. We must give ourselves compassion and let it spill over onto everyone around us. From that same compassion, we must forgive ourselves and others, which we can only do if we stop judging.

Forgiveness heals our entire persona, freeing us from feeling that we have to hide from life. It also keeps us from re-salting old wounds and from the urge to retaliate.

You are new in every moment. AWESOME! There are no dues to pay, no suffering that you must endure, no ideal you must meet. You made all that stuff up. As you begin to engage with your real self, there will be no need to lie, the crush of judgment on your heart will be lifted, and you’ll be living the dream.

Once in a while, ego will check in, just to see if you have given him a place to roost. Just notice it, acknowledge it as ‘meaningless and untruthful thinking, and it’s volume and your response to it will continue to diminish.

THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN’T LET GO OF! As you become adept at meditation, you will be able to let go of anything, anywhere, at any time.

Be your own best friend. Let your spirit be your guide and your true self will provide all the love, peace and joy that you need, even much more, so that you can share.

It doesn’t matter what’s going on around you. Keep walking the God path, the one that assures peace and joy. Pay attention. You are responsible for the way that you live your life. Create your life lovingly.

Jehovah sees you ‘pure’ for His sake. He renders you Holy, through Christ, so that you can stand in His presence, huddled in His glory. He never meant for your life to be burdensome.

When we sit still, we can converse with our Creator. Then, we can come home to ourselves, our divine light will drive out all the darkness and project the love of Christ in and around us.

You are an image of the Father. The only thing you ever had to do was to become yourself. As you come to know, love and accept yourself, your world will transform. In that world, you will be living as a radiant child of God, living life as the real you – mask-less

Finally, you will know who you are...

Goodnight and God bless.

Digging in the Dirt 4

We’ve been examining the answers to the questions posed in a ‘Discovery Journal’ that I hope you are actively participating in (see Digging in the Dirt and Digging in the Dirt 2).Last time (see Digging in the Dirt 3), we looked at how you fashioned your ‘Life Story,’ that tale you’ve weaved about your past, how you embellished it, the way you brought harmful meanings to it, and then made it the yardstick of your misery.

Let’s continue examining how we constructed our false reality by looking at what we run from and why…

9. What are you afraid of?

Writing down all the thoughts, emotions and sensations that appear before your fear manifests, reveals how you do fear. Fear is usually based upon imaginary future outcomes, (that that voice in your head invents), founded upon unresolved anxieties from your Life Story.

We tend to run from our fears; yet, it is that frantic dash for safety and security that keeps those worries front and center in our focus – guaranteeing sustained dread.

If we had no fears, we would have no need for safety.

How we run, is by changing jobs, relationships, addresses, or by the administration of addictions or distractions. When we’re running, we are in the grip of our unworkable strategies. So, let’s examine our core fears:

Are you afraid someone will find out who you really are? The irony is that most of us don’t know who we are; but we can find out if we scrutinize how we constructed our masks to conceal our imaginary flaws.

Every flaw that you think you have is a product of a broken relationship, out of which, you desperately and courageously created a survival mechanism. The truth is, that you only had a wounded heart problem. There was no defect in your true self – never was. Your real fear in this case, was one of being rejected.

You deserve unconditional love and compassion. Give it to yourself by living out your true self. Then, the opinions of others won’t matter. After all, they only have as much value as passing gas in the wind.

Unconscious people (that would include most of them), treat others with criticism – usually the same criticisms that were aimed their way. Apply compassion…

Are you afraid of failure? ‘Failure’ is only a step that draws you closer to success. Without failure, there is no forward progress. It doesn’t mean that there is anything inherently wrong with you.

There is no perfect way of doing anything. You will experience far more freedom outside of the bondage of perfectionism, which is only a way of protecting yourself from failure, by ‘tinkering,’ instead of bringing your endeavors to completion.

Are you afraid of relationship? More fear of rejection. The only way to move beyond that fear, is to create an unconditional love relationship with God and with yourself. Then, people will be clamoring to have a relationship with you.

Are you afraid of dying? Only having a relationship with God can cure that. He’s got a good plan for you. You just have to get on board…

Are you afraid of what happens next (the unknown, change)? Other than God, there is no constant. Change is the only guarantee that we have. In fact, if not for change, (e.g. that which includes cellular growth and differentiation), there would be no life.

No one knows what is going to happen next. Even what you think works best in your life, will change. Neither do we have any control over the succession of life’s events.

Freedom manifests when we let go of the notion of being in control. We are a part of this changing universe, which makes every moment a gift with endless possibilities. It’s a chance to live in awe in this mysterious, divine chaos. Really, it’s all in God’s plan. He just has an order that we cannot always fathom. Yet, He orders it for out greater good.

It’s a love-filled journey for all who choose to remain awake, and to ‘let go’ again and again…

Regardless of what you are afraid of, those fears are only based upon unexamined beliefs from meanings that you made up as a child. Love and happiness cannot coexist with fear:

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear, because fear involves [the expectation of divine] punishment, so the one who is afraid [of God’s judgment] is not perfected in love [has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God’s love]. 1 Jn. 4:18 AMP

Examine your fears and the strategies you support them with and see how they have kept you from living. Commit to not running. Face those false fears. Look at the lies that they are constructed from. Let go and live…

The LORD is my light and my salvation – so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? Ps. 27:1 NLT

10. Describe what you think the future holds. Are you waiting for a future where you finally get is all together? Guess what? No one ever gets it all together.

You position yourself to be gotten together, by walking in Jehovah’s ways, so that He can do that work:

…God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Phil. 1:6 NLT

We are a work in progress. Life on earth is a training ground. There is no goal. LIFE IS THE GOAL! It’s a journey where we put one spirit-led foot in front of the other, until our Savior brings us home.

If you are waiting for any kind of future, you are missing out on life, because it only happens in the present moment – not in some nebulous future.

Waiting for a happy future? Doesn’t exist. Happiness comes through engaging the present – making the decision to be happy, regardless of your circumstances.

Looking for love and acceptance in the future? God gave you those things the moment He thought you into being (Eph. 1:4). Regardless of what may have tarnished your past, Jehovah has redeemed you from it, with the cleansing blood of His Son…

11. What meaning(s) have you brought to life? Do you wake each day with gratitude and with an exuberant expectancy? Or, do you rise with wrenched guts and tears threatening to burst forth?

If it is the former, you are living consciously, engaged in healing, giving and loving. If you fall in the latter category, you’re living a life through filters enmeshed with the meanings of a wounded child within.

Don’t punish yourself. If your reading this, you deserve love and compassion for your courageous efforts to wake up…

12. Are you dissatisfied with life? Both your satisfaction or dissatisfaction with life hinges upon the meanings that you brought to the events in it.

This is not to downplay those real events that unhinged you and the subsequent grief, pain, misery, disappointment or shame you experienced. Regardless of the reality, or your imagined reality, of your life’s events, it is the meanings that you created around them, that determine your view of life and how you live it.

We can meditate over the reality that nothing in this earthly life is permanent. Look at those meanings and how you react to them. Let your feelings wash over you and dispense with empowering them; know that you made them and can just as easily construct new truth-based meanings of life that bring healing.

All situations have something to teach us. Committing to learning instead of running, helps us see our unworkable ‘stuff’ so that we can release it. As we meditate on these things, if we think we have come to the edge of a frightful abyss, that we’ve reached our limit, we can stop and breathe, and look at where our false beliefs come from.

If we jump into that abyss, we will find that we land on solid ground, in the present moment, with one more fear dissolved. But that can only happen if we keep our eyes wide open in the presence of our vexation and let go of trying to be in control.

‘Letting go’ allows us to be free to embrace life without fear. When we practice living at peace instead of indulging in drama and our knee-jerk reactions, life becomes manageable. Instead of sinking into suffering when we experience pain, we can offer ourselves love, compassion and kindness, as we question the need to cling to our meanings and the motivations behind them (desires, aggressions and denials).

Once we learn the lessons that life is presenting, it will stop haunting us. Often, those lessons push our ‘hot buttons.’ This is a wonderful opportunity to learn why we harbor them, to disqualify and eliminate more baseless beliefs.

Other than our relationship with God and ourselves, all things come and go. They are only on loan to us. So, we really can’t lose what wasn’t ours to begin with. Thus, we want to cherish our loved ones in the present moment and tap into their love-print on our heart when they are not. We are never alone, and true love never dies. Change is not loss; it is an opportunity for new possibilities…

13. What makes you angry? The answer is simple. It is the same things that make you afraid (see #9).

When you feel it manifest within you, stop and breathe. Look at what you are listening to in your head and how you are also getting angry with yourself. Defuse and replace the meanings behind that commotion, and practice forgiveness and acceptance for both you and the target of your anger (see Anger Kills).

14. What does everyone think about you?

15. What do you think is wrong with you?

16. Why don’t you accept yourself?

17. What secrets are you keeping?

18. What lies do you tell?

The answers to these questions have common roots. They stem from the things that you don’t accept about yourself, and the lies that you tell to conceal them. (By the way, you really don’t know what anyone thinks about you).

Your ‘unacceptable things’ are either something that you’ve done in the past that you’ve smothered with negative meanings, or, a negative belief that you took on as a child. The past cannot be changed. In your examination of these questions, it’s a good time to go to God for any necessary confessions and repentance:

He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve or repaid us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his faithful love toward those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Ps. 103:10 – 12. CSB

So, let up on yourself…

19. How do you feel when someone thinks you are wrong?

20. What conflicts do you have in life?

21. How do you manipulate people?

25. List the dramas in your life.

Your answers reveal your unworkable actions and the consequences that you endure, i.e. your conflicts in life. Most conflicts occur within relationships, where they mirror the inner conflicts of those attempting to be related.

We think others make us wrong, but it is our response to an event that opened an old wound – damaged places where we think we are wrong.

Other conflicts arise when we try to manipulate others into being like us, so that we can justify our life strategies.

All our conflict-generating behaviors birth the dramas we experience in life. The dramas will cease when we get a clear picture of how we’ve been doing life and why. Then we can commit to thoughts and actions that create peace and love.

22. How do you listen in a conversation?

24. How do you avoid the present moment?

27. List your impulsive behaviors.

Conversation only occurs in the present moment. However, many people are afraid of the general unknowable-ness of the present moment, which they attempt to flee from, through impulsive behaviors: zoning out in media or indulging in addictions or busyness. This preoccupation destroys any ability to effectively communicate.

26. Who do you feel has abandoned you? (See again the answers to question# 12). You have no control over whether someone leaves you or not. However, you can examine the series of events that preceded that separation to see if you contributed to it.

If you did, without judgment, make the necessary corrections in your beliefs and behavior so that you don’t rinse and repeat. If you did not, it was a problem that your partner was having, and wasn’t willing or ready to resolve it with you -NOTHING PERSONAL!

28. What meanings do you bring to your emotions? Emotions are just thoughts with energy attached. They come and go against your will, so forget about trying to control them. Don’t hide them. Instead, choose how you act them out by changing how you relate to them, by shedding the meanings that you brought to them. Sit with the energy of your emotions, listen to the conversation in your head, and feel what your body is doing. Consider that you can do this emotion differently…

29. What do you cling to? That would be whatever you’re afraid of losing. Remember that all things are only on loan. The tighter you cling, the more time you lose, to enjoy it while you have it.

It’s far better to gently hold everything in the palm of an open hand, so that you can receive the blessing and then freely pass it on, to bless someone else. In so doing, your open hand is ready to receive again…

In the finality, a better life consists of thinking in a better way, by being your true self.

Next time, we’ll see how this good life all comes together…

Goodnight and God bless.

Letting Go of the Mask 2

Last time, (see Letting Go of the Mask), we began to examine a path for freeing us from the way that life has indoctrinated / traumatized us into reacting to it, with patterns of unconscious knee-jerk reactions, instead of living full-out as God intended.

We also discussed some of the vital tools that we need, to bring us success in our venture to return to our real self. We looked at the necessity of having willingness to follow Jehovah’s guidance and introduced ourselves to the concept of meditation as well. Today, we will examine one simple way to meditate.

Get yourself a silent timer that plays a pleasant tone (like a bell or a gong) at preset intervals. These sounds offer a gentle reminder to stop chasing after your thoughts, (which you will do repeatedly when you first begin this practice) and return to just noticing what is presenting itself.

Find a quiet place, free from distractions like music, media devices, or other people. In the beginning, you will find yourself squirming, because it will be uncomfortable just being with yourself. So, if you feel that you absolutely need music, limit it to instrumentals only, so as to not fixate on lyrics.

Wear loose clothing and find a comfortable place to sit with your spine erect, and your eyes open. We are learning to stop resisting reality. When your eyes are closed, you tend to engage in useless mental chatter.

Speaking of that, be aware that that voice in your head will fight you every step of the way, because it knows the moment that you become truly conscious, it will become insignificant. Ego will use mental abuse, confusion, distraction and even sleep, to stop you from waking up. In the beginning, it will be successful. Don’t judge yourself for losing a round(s) to your old enemy. You will gather strength through Christ and prevail with practice.

The most important thing in this entire process it to be kind and compassionate to yourself!

Set your timer for one minute; and then add a minute a day, until you can mediate for one full hour. Repeat that hour daily, for the rest of your life. As a result, you will achieve better focus, concentration and awareness.

You will be more peaceful, happy and be able to live in the present moment, where all reality is lived. Thus, you can spend much more time on your God Channel.

Breathe slow and deep – in through the nose, out through the mouth, relaxing after each exhalation. This makes you an active participant and acts as your point of focus. Focusing on your breathing initiates the beginning of your awareness. It is one of your God-connections. You can’t stop breathing because God breathes you. It is a celebration of life.

As you sit still, staying with your breath, you may want to count them to help you focus, or, use guided imagery, e.g. ‘Breathing in, I accept life; breathing out, I release love.’

Meditation looks easy, but de-conditioning yourself an arduous (yet doable) task. Your ego will declare war – flooding you with your fears, parading your strategies to try to avoid life in front of you, and shame you for those ‘weaknesses.’

We lovingly notice, without making excuses. Instead, we consider what has been motivating our unworkable actions, and then look for the lies in the construction of those motivations. With recognition comes dissolution. All the while, we give ourselves love and compassion, without condemnation – knowing that just like everybody else, we have done our best to make our way in this world.

That voice in your head will tell you that meditation is stupid, and that it doesn’t work. It will also say that you’re stupid, and that this path is too hard. Ego will try to cajole you into returning to your distraction patterns, telling you that your life is fine just the way it is, (because it lives off of your suffering). It will tell you that you’re not meditating the right way, to keep you unconscious, inferring that you’ve failed again.

Ego want you ‘dead in the head.’ However, all you have to do is to kindly and lovingly acknowledge, that in this moment, you lost your concentration again; then let the thoughts go, and take the next breath. You refrain from beating yourself up for building a false mind, (your collection of masks). Everyone has some degree of a similar brainwash.

Everything that has worth, (peace, love and joy), is foreign to our false mind. The sacred things live in our spiritual space. When we gain awareness of our mind / spirit conflict, we can shift to the spirit and let our reactionary state go. Our quality of life is entirely dependent upon the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves and God.

Meditation is a way of bringing you back into spiritual alignment, by helping you shed more of the world’s influences. It reveals how you’ve been living your life and what that has cost you. In that aligning, you discover your highest and best path for pairing back up with your Creator.

If you’re putting off meditating, look to how you put off everything, and commit to stepping over that.

During meditation, if an old belief presents itself, examine it for its veracity. If it’s a lie, let it go, return to your breath until another one pops up, and rinse and repeat. You can’t overdose on truth. Peace comes with truth. If you experience stress and resistance, celebrate! It means you’re on the cusp of a good, healthy change.

You’re not trying to get something. Instead, you are learning how to live in the present moment. It’s the only place where you can commune with God.

Relax and let all your thoughts come, see them for what they are, and let them go. Instead of being afraid, be curious. Your thoughts are not you. They are illusions. Here’s something for you to ponder, ‘Who is thinking your thoughts? Who is watching them?’

If you quit meditating because you come up against something that you think you can’t handle, don’t judge yourself. Simply recommit. Each time that you meditate, step further into those thoughts and emotions that frighten you. With every crescendo, take a deep breath and discover the meanings that you’ve attached to those thoughts and to your associated physical reactions.Discover what made you think that they were true, and when you see they have no healthy purpose, let them go.

When you sit still with fear, it will dissipate. If you are squirming, you’re on the verge of discovering another way that you resist suffering. If you feel that you are reaching a ‘breaking point,’ realize that this process is not a punishment, and know that you are on the edge of a life-transforming revelation.

As you face that fear, let it wash over you instead of running from it; and your struggle will end.

Resistance is a force – showing up as confusion, self-criticism, self-sabotage, perfectionism, blaming, envy, busyness or procrastination. If this approach fails, (eventually, they all do), we judge ourselves for our failures. However, if we return to our meditation practice to discover our ‘resistance pattern,’ we can drop it and be open to whatever happens next.

The mind will lose its frenzied ways, taking on greater clarity, with which we can identify our habits and who we are trying to be when we try to hold our world together with unworkable beliefs. Simultaneously, we’ll discover the ways that we punish ourselves for falling short. We let them go, and have compassion for ourselves for thinking that these patterns would protect us.

There is nothing in your head that can really hurt you. It is the ignorance and denial about the nature of what you have unconsciously let live there, that brings pain. A thought is only an ephemeral wisp, an emotion just a form of energy.

When a thought arises, instead of letting it hook you by giving it importance, question it:

‘Who would I be without this thought?’ Replace it with a thought that loves you.

Meditation is not about eliminating your thoughts; the mind never ceases to think. It is about disarming them.

Then, we lavish forgiveness on ourselves for what we’ve ignorantly said or done to ourselves and or others. In addition, we stay on the hunt for any other covert ways we’ve used to hold tight to those unworkable beliefs and set them free.

Remember that you must implement the revelations you gain in meditation. When you shed that person that you thought you were, you can remodel your inner space to hold peace love and joy. Then, your outer world will reflect the same.

When we become open to every present moment, we can be part of the unfolding of life, accepting what is presented to us, without suffering, because we no longer make life, the events in it, or ourselves, wrong anymore.

We can give up having to know what happens next. We appreciate the gift of life and the contributions that we are here to make, spreading the love. That’s what living in the kingdom of God is all about. Stay tuned…

Goodnight and God bless.

Revealing the Hurt 3

Previously, (see Part 1 and Part 2), we looked at how we might construct a distorted view of life, (that it is unsafe), and a broken view of ourselves (that we were unlovable and / or unacceptable). We also examined how we fabricated an ego to navigate our problems that were created from that mindset. And we saw how that voice in our head turned against us and became our greatest critic.

Then we examined how this view of the world and ourselves filled us with perpetual fear, and saw the damage that it does.

If you are chronically afraid, you live in a state of continuous defense. One of the ways you do that is by creating a false self-image, a mask, if you will (see Are There Giants Blocking Your Path?).

You weren’t born with a self-image; you had a God-image:

So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Gn. 1:27 NLT

But then, life stepped all over you, or, at least you perceived it that way; and that voice in your head makes sure that that conviction remains intact. In desperation to be loved, you create a false persona, a mask to hide behind, and to present to others, hoping that they will then find you acceptable.

The problem is that you build the foundation of your mask on the myriad of lies that your ego tells you that you must incorporate to be acceptable.

In other words, you try to appear to others as someone who isn’t real. And you can never let your guard down. Why? Because that devil in your head has convinced you that you have shameful hidden parts or behaviors, which would drive any potential partner away if they were discovered.

An exhausting effort must be sustained in maintaining the imagined integrity of your mask. And you continually fine-tune it to please each person that comes along – all in order to avoid rejection. Worse, because that other person never gets to respond to the ‘real’ you, your true needs are never met. Why? Because you don’t express them.

The core problem that drives this mess, is that we never examine what we think about; or what drives our need to purposefully take on a false identity. The mask is a symbol of our suffering, which keeps it front and center in our focus.

Your life never gets to be lived because the voice in your head keeps feeding your self-image. It knows that as long as your obsessed with that, you will never reach your full potential as a child of God.

Until then, you will continue to judge yourself for who you are not, and then administer self-flagellation in order to make you a ‘good’ person. However, you cannot beat ‘goodness’ into anyone….

As you might deduce, if your ability to relate to the world and the people in it is broken, and your speaking from behind a mask, your ability to effectively communicate is highly diminished (see Communication Breakdown).

This happens to everyone to some degree. We are all engaged in sharing our false ‘Life Stories’ through the filter of our fabricated masks; and each mask is unique. Therefore, we hold no common views, making the exchange of truth impossible.

Real communication is all but lost:

They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself… Rm. 1:25 NLT

Think about it. Is not your mask a created thing for acquiring the favor of the world / humankind; when we should be cultivating the acceptance of God?

Communication becomes a hollow, unsatisfying exchange – almost painful. Subsequently, many people isolate themselves and live in their heads. When they do muster futile attempts at human-to-human interaction, it becomes an exercise in knee-jerk reactions from behind a wall of defense – to keep from being ‘triggered’ into wallowing in the pain of old imagined wounds.

If your attention is always focused on self-preservation, you cannot accurately hear what the other person has to say. This is coupled with your inattentiveness, because you’re waiting for them to cease wagging their tongues – so that you can blurt out your truth and invalidate theirs.

You know when you’re in this ‘zone,’ when you tell yourself, ‘I’ve heard all this before.’ In this space, you learn nothing new, and stay shackled to your past. And in your frenzy to be ‘right,’ you make the other person ‘wrong,’ creating enemies, and bringing more loveless loneliness upon yourself.

We see then, that when we are self-absorbed, and living a lie, our inability to relate to others, fractures our connection with them, including the one we have with God Himself (see Rejecting God Leads to Broken Relationships).

Our entire lives are lived within the framework of relationships – with friends, family, significant others, coworkers, ourselves and God. Yet, for most people, relating is the hardest part of living.

God gave us a manual (the Bible) for how to have good relationships, but most people do not refer to it. Instead, we take our cues from watching how our parents related, (many unsuccessfully), and absorbed them without examination for efficacy.

As a result, we are thrust into relationships since birth, one after another, without workable clues – helplessly trying to learn to do relating, while falling in and out of them. And that voice in our head is of no help, because our preoccupation with listening to its lies, has caused us to be afraid to share our true selves.

Pathetically, we at least hope that others will fall in love with our masks. Yet, that will never bring authentic and loving relationships. You must allow them to see the real you and how you need to be loved…

So, we show up for relationships with a HUGE self-induced disadvantage. We are sad, scared and defeated before we even start, pining over our imaginary flaws, hoping this new person will be able to ‘fix’ us. Yet, we come bearing our false personas and wonder why they don’t relate to us.

We cannot get anything from anyone unless we are first willing to provide it for ourselves. It is not possible for someone else to alter the experience that we have created of ourselves (see Why Are Your Relationships Disappointing? )

This experiential change must come from within. We must learn to love and accept ourselves first, before we can ever know when we are receiving that from others. We begin by looking at how God feels about us: There is no one unacceptable in Jehovah’s eyes, and He cherishes everyone.

Without this change, we will only continue to attract people who run the same unworkable schemes that we do – who will abuse us in the same proportion of assault to which we tolerate from our ego.

Think about this: if you have two false personas coming together to get something without reciprocating, what chance do you have for a loving, accepting relationship?

Staying with old mindsets, it’s obvious that there will be a lot of failed relationships, which brings along with it, pain and suffering. Because we are afraid of that experience, we begin to avoid relating altogether.

You can’t fix this by yourself. You have to tap into God’s way of loving:

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 Jn. 4:18 NLT

For many of those still operating in the dark, there comes a time when the pain of loneliness far outweighs the fear of inadequacy and failure. So, they venture out once more – frantically grasping for scraps of tenderness. However, their tactics are riddled with flaws.

The People Pleaser: They are always giving of themselves, hoping the recipient of their efforts will intuit the manner in which the pleaser wants to be loved. Yet it is always a one-way street, because their love-interest does not read minds. This tactic shows up as a fearful frenzy of giving, in addition to performing in ways to check their partner’s wrath, to prevent abandonment, or to glean a smidgen of love and acceptance.

Dropping your common-sense boundaries: These sufferers take on the attitude that anyone is better than being alone; and in their acute need, they will take in strays, smothered in ‘red flags.’ They’ve lost the ability to discern what is good or bad for them, because their primary need is for acceptance, regardless of where they get it. Subsequently, they invite problematic relationships, irrespective of their toxicity – trying to compel their partner to love them.

Hunting for the ‘one’: You know who the ‘one’ is. He / she is the flawless mate who will love you perfectly and save you from suffering. A hunter is one who is ‘loneliness’ personified, a desolation begotten from self-rejection. Should you miraculously find the ‘one,’ that voice in your head will tell you the he / she is not, because true love means certain death for that rascal. Lastly, desperate love hunters attract other hunters who exist at the same level of suffering.

Regardless of which tactic is used, the attempt at relationships between broken people generally follow this pattern:

In the initial rush of attraction, the participants look at each other with ‘rose-colored’ glasses,’ ignoring any warning signs as they paint the picture of an ideal romance, trying to fill their aching need for intimacy. The fixation is on the similarities they share, (the things they like the best about themselves). Each think ‘This it!’ And they let their walls of defense crumble – giddy with the notion of being in love.
Eventually, their focus lands upon their ‘differences’ – perceived to be barriers against their agendas; and the romantic dream begins to implode.
Instead of seeing these differences as seeds for growth, as an amalgam of new possibilities, you make your partner ‘wrong’ for having them. You recall what was wrong with your previous relationship(s), mystified that the same problem has reared its ugly head again.
Your ‘fix’ is to demonstrate to them the ‘perfect’ way things need to be done. At this point, you have moved into a position of judgment – a reflection of your self-righteousness. You tell yourself that your partner is wrong. Yet, what’s wrong with them is the thing that you don’t like about yourself. So, most of the time, it is not your partner who is the problem!
Safety and trust are lost. Resentment builds. Competition begins for attention and control; and victim mindsets are firmly set in place.
Survival strategies ensue – either by passively modeling the behavior they want to see from the other, or aggressively punishing the other by caustic speech, withholding love, or distancing.
The old hurts begin to surface and outward conflict begins. They see each other as the enemy, but inwardly they believe that the relationship is failing due to some inadequacy that they themselves possess.

Ultimately, they will either anesthetize themselves or walk away and hunt once more; and the cycle repeats.

The only way that a healthy nurturing relationship can work is if we make a continuing choice to be related, to bring love and compassion, and commit to being present with our partner – staying awake to whatever life is offering.

Unfortunately, most people can’t get to that space because their focus is always on their own needs. They bring no empathy, compassion, love or understanding. What they do show up with, is self-defense and control; and then they wonder why their relationships don’t last…

Wow! Revealing our hurts carries a lot of painful insights. Isn’t it time that we looked at how to heal them?

Next time…

Goodnight and God bless.

false self image

Most of God’s creations shine, reflecting the glory of God just by being what they were created to be – naturally luminous. However, Jehovah’s greatest creation, humankind, unconsciously smother themselves with layers of dark lies that block out the Divine Light (see Revealing the Hurt 3).

Jehovah sees you ‘pure’ for His sake. He renders you Holy, through Christ, so that you can stand in His presence, huddled in His glory. He never meant for your life to be burdensome.

Regardless of what you are afraid of, those fears are only based upon unexamined beliefs from meanings that you made up as a child. Love and happiness cannot coexist with fear:

If you are waiting for any kind of future, you are missing out on life, because it only happens in the present moment – not in some nebulous future.

There is nothing in your head that can really hurt you. It is the ignorance and denial about the nature of what you have unconsciously let live there, that brings pain. A thought is only an ephemeral wisp, an emotion just a form of energy.

Regardless of which tactic is used, the attempt at relationships between broken people generally follow this pattern:

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