We’ve been examining the answers to the questions posed in a ‘Discovery Journal’ that I hope you are actively participating in (see Digging in the Dirt and Digging in the Dirt 2).Last time (see Digging in the Dirt 3), we looked at how you fashioned your ‘Life Story,’ that tale you’ve weaved about your past, how you embellished it, the way you brought harmful meanings to it, and then made it the yardstick of your misery.
Let’s continue examining how we constructed our false reality by looking at what we run from and why…
9. What are you afraid of?
Writing down all the thoughts, emotions and sensations that appear before your fear manifests, reveals how you do fear. Fear is usually based upon imaginary future outcomes, (that that voice in your head invents), founded upon unresolved anxieties from your Life Story.
We tend to run from our fears; yet, it is that frantic dash for safety and security that keeps those worries front and center in our focus – guaranteeing sustained dread.
If we had no fears, we would have no need for safety.
How we run, is by changing jobs, relationships, addresses, or by the administration of addictions or distractions. When we’re running, we are in the grip of our unworkable strategies. So, let’s examine our core fears:
Are you afraid someone will find out who you really are? The irony is that most of us don’t know who we are; but we can find out if we scrutinize how we constructed our masks to conceal our imaginary flaws.
Every flaw that you think you have is a product of a broken relationship, out of which, you desperately and courageously created a survival mechanism. The truth is, that you only had a wounded heart problem. There was no defect in your true self – never was. Your real fear in this case, was one of being rejected.
You deserve unconditional love and compassion. Give it to yourself by living out your true self. Then, the opinions of others won’t matter. After all, they only have as much value as passing gas in the wind.
Unconscious people (that would include most of them), treat others with criticism – usually the same criticisms that were aimed their way. Apply compassion…
Are you afraid of failure? ‘Failure’ is only a step that draws you closer to success. Without failure, there is no forward progress. It doesn’t mean that there is anything inherently wrong with you.
There is no perfect way of doing anything. You will experience far more freedom outside of the bondage of perfectionism, which is only a way of protecting yourself from failure, by ‘tinkering,’ instead of bringing your endeavors to completion.
Are you afraid of relationship? More fear of rejection. The only way to move beyond that fear, is to create an unconditional love relationship with God and with yourself. Then, people will be clamoring to have a relationship with you.
Are you afraid of dying? Only having a relationship with God can cure that. He’s got a good plan for you. You just have to get on board…
Are you afraid of what happens next (the unknown, change)? Other than God, there is no constant. Change is the only guarantee that we have. In fact, if not for change, (e.g. that which includes cellular growth and differentiation), there would be no life.
No one knows what is going to happen next. Even what you think works best in your life, will change. Neither do we have any control over the succession of life’s events.
Freedom manifests when we let go of the notion of being in control. We are a part of this changing universe, which makes every moment a gift with endless possibilities. It’s a chance to live in awe in this mysterious, divine chaos. Really, it’s all in God’s plan. He just has an order that we cannot always fathom. Yet, He orders it for out greater good.
It’s a love-filled journey for all who choose to remain awake, and to ‘let go’ again and again…
Regardless of what you are afraid of, those fears are only based upon unexamined beliefs from meanings that you made up as a child. Love and happiness cannot coexist with fear:
There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear, because fear involves [the expectation of divine] punishment, so the one who is afraid [of God’s judgment] is not perfected in love [has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God’s love]. 1 Jn. 4:18 AMP
Examine your fears and the strategies you support them with and see how they have kept you from living. Commit to not running. Face those false fears. Look at the lies that they are constructed from. Let go and live…
The LORD is my light and my salvation – so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? Ps. 27:1 NLT
10. Describe what you think the future holds. Are you waiting for a future where you finally get is all together? Guess what? No one ever gets it all together.
You position yourself to be gotten together, by walking in Jehovah’s ways, so that He can do that work:
…God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Phil. 1:6 NLT
We are a work in progress. Life on earth is a training ground. There is no goal. LIFE IS THE GOAL! It’s a journey where we put one spirit-led foot in front of the other, until our Savior brings us home.
If you are waiting for any kind of future, you are missing out on life, because it only happens in the present moment – not in some nebulous future.
Waiting for a happy future? Doesn’t exist. Happiness comes through engaging the present – making the decision to be happy, regardless of your circumstances.
Looking for love and acceptance in the future? God gave you those things the moment He thought you into being (Eph. 1:4). Regardless of what may have tarnished your past, Jehovah has redeemed you from it, with the cleansing blood of His Son…
11. What meaning(s) have you brought to life? Do you wake each day with gratitude and with an exuberant expectancy? Or, do you rise with wrenched guts and tears threatening to burst forth?
If it is the former, you are living consciously, engaged in healing, giving and loving. If you fall in the latter category, you’re living a life through filters enmeshed with the meanings of a wounded child within.
Don’t punish yourself. If your reading this, you deserve love and compassion for your courageous efforts to wake up…
12. Are you dissatisfied with life? Both your satisfaction or dissatisfaction with life hinges upon the meanings that you brought to the events in it.
This is not to downplay those real events that unhinged you and the subsequent grief, pain, misery, disappointment or shame you experienced. Regardless of the reality, or your imagined reality, of your life’s events, it is the meanings that you created around them, that determine your view of life and how you live it.
We can meditate over the reality that nothing in this earthly life is permanent. Look at those meanings and how you react to them. Let your feelings wash over you and dispense with empowering them; know that you made them and can just as easily construct new truth-based meanings of life that bring healing.
All situations have something to teach us. Committing to learning instead of running, helps us see our unworkable ‘stuff’ so that we can release it. As we meditate on these things, if we think we have come to the edge of a frightful abyss, that we’ve reached our limit, we can stop and breathe, and look at where our false beliefs come from.
If we jump into that abyss, we will find that we land on solid ground, in the present moment, with one more fear dissolved. But that can only happen if we keep our eyes wide open in the presence of our vexation and let go of trying to be in control.
‘Letting go’ allows us to be free to embrace life without fear. When we practice living at peace instead of indulging in drama and our knee-jerk reactions, life becomes manageable. Instead of sinking into suffering when we experience pain, we can offer ourselves love, compassion and kindness, as we question the need to cling to our meanings and the motivations behind them (desires, aggressions and denials).
Once we learn the lessons that life is presenting, it will stop haunting us. Often, those lessons push our ‘hot buttons.’ This is a wonderful opportunity to learn why we harbor them, to disqualify and eliminate more baseless beliefs.
Other than our relationship with God and ourselves, all things come and go. They are only on loan to us. So, we really can’t lose what wasn’t ours to begin with. Thus, we want to cherish our loved ones in the present moment and tap into their love-print on our heart when they are not. We are never alone, and true love never dies. Change is not loss; it is an opportunity for new possibilities…
13. What makes you angry? The answer is simple. It is the same things that make you afraid (see #9).
When you feel it manifest within you, stop and breathe. Look at what you are listening to in your head and how you are also getting angry with yourself. Defuse and replace the meanings behind that commotion, and practice forgiveness and acceptance for both you and the target of your anger (see Anger Kills).
14. What does everyone think about you?
15. What do you think is wrong with you?
16. Why don’t you accept yourself?
17. What secrets are you keeping?
18. What lies do you tell?
The answers to these questions have common roots. They stem from the things that you don’t accept about yourself, and the lies that you tell to conceal them. (By the way, you really don’t know what anyone thinks about you).
Your ‘unacceptable things’ are either something that you’ve done in the past that you’ve smothered with negative meanings, or, a negative belief that you took on as a child. The past cannot be changed. In your examination of these questions, it’s a good time to go to God for any necessary confessions and repentance:
He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve or repaid us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his faithful love toward those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Ps. 103:10 – 12. CSB
So, let up on yourself…
19. How do you feel when someone thinks you are wrong?
20. What conflicts do you have in life?
21. How do you manipulate people?
25. List the dramas in your life.
Your answers reveal your unworkable actions and the consequences that you endure, i.e. your conflicts in life. Most conflicts occur within relationships, where they mirror the inner conflicts of those attempting to be related.
We think others make us wrong, but it is our response to an event that opened an old wound – damaged places where we think we are wrong.
Other conflicts arise when we try to manipulate others into being like us, so that we can justify our life strategies.
All our conflict-generating behaviors birth the dramas we experience in life. The dramas will cease when we get a clear picture of how we’ve been doing life and why. Then we can commit to thoughts and actions that create peace and love.
22. How do you listen in a conversation?
24. How do you avoid the present moment?
27. List your impulsive behaviors.
Conversation only occurs in the present moment. However, many people are afraid of the general unknowable-ness of the present moment, which they attempt to flee from, through impulsive behaviors: zoning out in media or indulging in addictions or busyness. This preoccupation destroys any ability to effectively communicate.
26. Who do you feel has abandoned you? (See again the answers to question# 12). You have no control over whether someone leaves you or not. However, you can examine the series of events that preceded that separation to see if you contributed to it.
If you did, without judgment, make the necessary corrections in your beliefs and behavior so that you don’t rinse and repeat. If you did not, it was a problem that your partner was having, and wasn’t willing or ready to resolve it with you -NOTHING PERSONAL!
28. What meanings do you bring to your emotions? Emotions are just thoughts with energy attached. They come and go against your will, so forget about trying to control them. Don’t hide them. Instead, choose how you act them out by changing how you relate to them, by shedding the meanings that you brought to them. Sit with the energy of your emotions, listen to the conversation in your head, and feel what your body is doing. Consider that you can do this emotion differently…
29. What do you cling to? That would be whatever you’re afraid of losing. Remember that all things are only on loan. The tighter you cling, the more time you lose, to enjoy it while you have it.
It’s far better to gently hold everything in the palm of an open hand, so that you can receive the blessing and then freely pass it on, to bless someone else. In so doing, your open hand is ready to receive again…
In the finality, a better life consists of thinking in a better way, by being your true self.
Next time, we’ll see how this good life all comes together…
Goodnight and God bless.