Introduction

            We’ve spent a long time extensively examining how we have lived unconscious lives, and the price we paid in pain and suffering (see Revealing the Hurt and read every post after that until you arrive at this one). Then we looked at how to wake up – through practicing love, compassion and kindness for ourselves and others, for having had to endure our old life where we had been unknowingly submitting to the wiles of the adversary.

            Now, we are living in the present moment, leaving the past behind and forgetting about a future that hasn’t happened yet. We are made fearless through the peace of God and by acknowledging that He knows what He is doing. Jehovah created us perfectly, so we tossed our mask in the trash.

            Finally, we learned how to communicate clearly, lovingly, and with truthful intent. Now, we can present our authentic self to the whole world to meet.

         That brings us to the awesome culmination of this whole process – offering yourself up for true relationship! After all, every single facet of our existence lives in relationship. Thus, it behooves us to have them be stellar! (see Rejecting God Leads to Broken Relationships; Why Are Your Relationships Disappointing?; Right and Wrong Relationships 1, 2, 3).

            God created us to be related – to Him, to ourselves and to each other. Our relationship with Jehovah is the foundation for our relatedness to everything and everyone. When we turn inwards towards our Creator, we finally understand who we are. If we come from that place, we will attract others into having a relationship.

            As Jehovah’s perfect creation, we need not look elsewhere for love or acceptance. We only need to give it to ourselves the same way that our Father does. In fact, we must direct our love inward, so as to recognize it when we see it outwardly from others. Through our self-nurturing, we learn how to give that love away.

            The primary reason for relationships is to offer our love – the love that God first gave us. Then, we can be in a place where we can contribute rather than just making withdrawals.

            Perhaps, you may have missed out on healthy loving relationships in your past. However, you are now aware that everyone does the best they can with the tools they have at the time. Presently, you are able to forgive anyone for their unconscious words and / or acts, to stop blaming, and to forgive yourself for your old blind judgments of them.

            God gifted us with relationships for healing. A loving relationship is one wherein we can admit our fears, take risks, and have the freedom to fail – all within a space where retribution and abandonment is never given consideration.

            It takes a lifetime of practice to know, accept and love ourselves and others. Yet, if we can allow each other to be our true selves, a relationship can become a continual source of joy-filled discovery.

         Healthy relationships only form, take root, and flourish if they are founded upon a love freely given by both participants. Otherwise, all you will have, is the experience of an emotional attachment. And, as we’ve seen so many times, that relational love must first come from the love each partner has for themselves. You can never find what you don’t already possess in your own heart. Thus, you must become what you seek.

            The good news is that you already are that lovable loving person.

            You know when you are not experiencing love, when you feel that yearning for peace, joy, understanding, and the loving touch of a human heart. That generally occurs when you fall back into your old always automatic ways of being. When you are thinking and acting unconsciously, you are being your false self.

            As your newfound awareness reveals this to you, stop and reframe your thinking: the only real truth about you is that you are perfect love. Anything else is a lie. Use your tools, ask yourself powerful questions: ‘Are these beliefs true?’ ‘How am I robbing myself of my relationship with my perfect self?’ ‘How have I been living my life?’ ‘What kind of actions have I been taking to keep clinging to my old beliefs?’

            Acknowledge that you have been suffering. Look to see if you helped create it and apply compassion. Happiness is what happens when you experience peace, love and joy. Stay in the present moment, always inquiring, ‘Are my thoughts and actions conducive to my having that?’ If not, replace them with those that are. Drop anything that is not connected to love. Be there for yourself. Ask God for the strength not to give up on yourself.

            You are the only one who knows exactly how you need to be loved. Love yourself that way first. Having done that, you will then be able to go ‘out there’ and have loving relationships with everybody else. You will bring your love, acceptance, and compassionate understanding with you. You will be able to touch another person’s pain and realize that we’ve all had the same pain at one time or another.

            Your defenses will melt in the face of your new connectedness that you have with humankind. The word ‘enemy’ will no longer find a home in your vocabulary.

            Once you’ve filled yourself with love, you will have created an open attracting space for others to choose whether to love you or not; and it won’t matter what choice they make. If they choose to love you back, you can co-create a new synergistic love. If not, you won’t take it personally. Instead, you will bless them inwardly, wishing them the best life possible.

         The only way to guaranteed happiness is to contribute to the happiness of others – giving them what you want for yourself. That gift is drawn from your wellspring of love. To keep that overflowing, you must keep your heart clear of negativity and the concomitant suffering. That means ‘no stinking thinking!’

            We cultivate our love by freeing ourselves from attachment – from not needing anyone to give us the love we give to ourselves. Yet our love will radiate and attract loving people. When we experience that, our response ought to be one of infinite gratitude. Relationships only break down in the absence of grateful appreciation.

            If you’re not feeling the love, e.g., in an abusive relationship, LEAVE! It’s far healthier to remove yourself from someone who chooses to wallow in the refuse of their own making. If your partner tells you that they love you, but in the next moment they try to control you, disrespect you, or are violent, that is not love.

            Living alone is better than staying with your abuser, telling lies to yourself, e.g., ‘They will get better,’ or worse, ‘They will love me if I become a better person.’ If you stay, it’s only because you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve love. What happens next, is that your demons will come back to roost, and you’ll become an abuser as well.

            Accept your abuser for who they are and GO! Be thankful for the lesson(s) in that relationship and how it helped your grow. There is plenty of good love out there. You don’t have to settle for scraps.

            Still, even in the best of relationships, there will be some rough patches. We are human. We make mistakes, (slipping back into our old ways). That’s life. Most, if not all of our wounds are perpetrated in relationship. Ironically, we must heal those wounds in the space of a healthy relationship. A place where we can bare our souls (warts and all), our needs and our anguish, and receive the healing that comes from love and acceptance.

            During those blips in our bliss, we may not feel love for our partner, but we need to have the freedom to feel that. Then, we can make a free-will choice to love them anyway, making the relationship even more special.

         In a healthy relationship, both look for ways to live with each other’s differences, constructing clear solutions in handling conflict, rather than running away. A conflict avoided guarantees repetition. The best solutions are those that promote each other’s goals, instead of obsessing over who will come out on top in the conflict.

            Out of love, you will allow yourself to suffer (a little), to help him or her to move through their lapse of unconsciousness. Then, clear communication must ensue, each speaking their perception of the situation, without trying to ‘correct’ one another. Then, each shares their needs in that moment, (without judgment), and each asks if the other can meet their need.

            If one partner cannot fulfill the other’s need, the unfulfilled partner will either find a way to meet it (in a way that is acceptable within the relationship), or they may choose to continue their journey of life without you. If they choose the latter, let them go. It is the most loving thing you can do for the both of you.

            Your partner may not be able to let you be you, unwilling to let go of their expectations. If they leave, it will create a loss that you must grieve over. Do not deny those feelings; affirm them so that you can move through them. Look to see if your absent partner’s complaints had any validity. If they did, do the work to get the unworkable stuff out of your life. If there was no legitimacy, don’t take ownership of them.

            Acknowledge your partner’s contributions to the relationship and see if you can give those things to yourself before going on the hunt for your next adventure. Surround yourself with supportive people. After you work through your grief, be open to what comes next. If you shy away from subsequent relationships, you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.

            When you do open yourself up, don’t get caught up in whether this new potential partner is ‘The One.’ Instead, leave the previous drama behind and focus on how this new dance works. You will never experience the love of others if you don’t take risks.

         Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries that delineate who you are and who your partner is, and what you will accept or not. They are not for keeping people at bay. Boundaries represent the walls of our sacred temple, wherein we grow and nurture our love and compassion. They are also a source of strength for making virtuous choices.

            Boundaries keep us accountable, letting us know when we’ve crossed them or have let others do the same. Define them to your partner early on: ‘This is who I am and who I am not.’ ‘This is my vision for my life and my well-being.’ ‘I will express my freedom to make healthy choices, and one of those is when I choose to say ‘no.’

            See if your partner is willing to play in that arena. If not, thank them for who they are and bid them a fond farewell.

            When you have the freedom to say ‘no’ in an unchallenged atmosphere, you can finally embrace your vulnerability and let your guard down. (However, be willing to challenge your views to see if there is room for a healthy compromise). Likewise, honor your partner’s ‘no.’

            Should your boundary be transgressed, you must respond with a consequence until you see a change in your partner’s behavior. If they will not desist, you need to leave. You can’t rescue someone from themselves.

            Healthy boundaries allow you to act without malice; you are only honoring your agreement. They help you build relationships where confrontation is only a difference of opinion, not a high-pitched battle. They open a space where feelings can be expressed without shame.

            Realize that you can never fully understand the nature of other people’s thoughts. If you want more understanding, there will have to be more dialogue. If we have a blip in our consciousness and a misunderstanding ensues, we pause in our meditative breath until we have a sense of self-control, remind ourselves what it is that we love about that person, and take a moment to feel that love.

            Then, we can calmly inform our partner about how we felt hurt / offended by their actions (not by who they are), giving way for a conversation where both take responsibility for their actions and co-create a mutually satisfying solution…

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling. Pr. 20:3 NLT

            Goodnight and God bless