Last time, (see Digging in the Dirt 2), we examined the first 3 questions that you answered in your Discovery Journal (see Digging in the Dirt), as we delve into how you think, which is what manifests, for either good or bad, in your life.
Now, let’s continue to see what make you tick:
4. What is your Life Story?
Ask Jesus to help you look at the story that you concocted about your past and aid you in discerning the truthful and untruthful elements in it. Realize that that story was co-authored by you and that voice in your head. Thus, it must be riddled with lies.
Upon deep examination you’ll see that your Life Story is a plethora of unexamined beliefs, judgments and opinions, that you’ve attached to the events in your life. Out of that, you’ve made some people larger-than-life and have given them more power over you in your story, that they did not have. In addition, you live your life in a way that you think will protect you from what you thought your past taught you.
More than likely, you’ve also surrounded yourself with people who are suffering similarly, that can validate your Life Story and keep it alive. It’s your story that keeps you sad, by your habit of continually revisiting your regrets – making your present-time experience nil, because you live in your head, in your false, joyless and loveless past.
It doesn’t matter whether your past was horrific, or if you made it mean something horrific; the outcome is the same. And even if your story is riddled with falsehood, (it is), it’s the index that you use to guide you in life. It’s a no-win situation.
Trash that story, which can only be accomplished it you stay in the present moment and set aside what you think you know. Begin by refusing to worry about your future.
“Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?” Mt. 6:27 CSB
Only the present time exists. The future is not real until it becomes a present moment. You can meditatively reflect upon why your mind is churning with anxious thoughts that might happen, (99% don’t).
Look at the root of all those thoughts, and you will only find lies. Let them go. Then, you will be fully open to experience any event, see how that feels, and let go of any meanings that you gave it.
Experiencing our experience teaches us compassion, as we realize that many people are at war in their heads.
There is no problem ‘out there;’ only life. There is nothing or no one that needs to change in order for you to have the life that you want. Happiness is an inside job. Practice giving love and compassion to yourself when you’ve fallen back into your story. Without judgment, return to the present moment. Be patient with yourself.
In the present moment, you have the power to choose the actions that lead to a perfect life as God designed for your perfect (Christ-forgiven) self. Leave written reminders everywhere to be present, let go of your expectations and be open to surprise.
God is in control. You are not. Life unfurls as God intended. Sit still with it, rather than run. Life is change. When you stop resisting that, you will find yourself automatically returning to the present. God is only thwarted, when you exercise your free will to stay faithful to your story – those lies that you’ve been telling yourself.
…he who breaths out lies shall perish. Pr. 19:9 ESV
Your Life Story is always present when you are experiencing negativity about anything. It means that you’ve dropped out of the present moment. Stop whatever you were doing and return to your meditative breath – peeling the layers away, a good thing.
Give up your Life Story and live…
5. Who is in your life? How do you want them to change?
Whom you choose to hang out with and whom you don’t, says a lot about you.
Deep down, our basic human need is to be loved and accepted for who we really are. Yet we rarely reveal our true selves. Thus, we sabotage ourselves – settling for others who are only attracted by our masks.
We pick ‘safe people,’ others like us, who won’t call us out on our unworkable life-strategies, because they are working a similar scheme. And you get to validate each other’s victimhood.
You can figure out how you are being by looking at your friends. If you see character flaws, you can be rest assured that they are the same flaws that you believe you have.
The solution to having loving, accepting, and healthily supportive people around you, is to let the real you come out to play, and see whom that attracts. You’ll be presently surprised. You may lose some of your present friends, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
But you’re stuck with your family, yes? Consider that they might be easier to be around if you would quit blaming them for how your life is turning out. They too have suffered the same generational brain drain as you have. Most of the time, they weren’t trying to be purposely disagreeable – only acting out their own hurts. Not personal. They only want the same love and acceptance that you do.
Your entire familial relations may change if they can also give up their survival strategies. Accept them for who they are what they are able to give in the moment. Examine how you’ve let them push your ‘hot buttons,’ and refuse to play on that level anymore. You will know that you did your best, and at the very least, the way that you relate to them will change for the better.
Let’s look at a toxic situation, where you truly had a malicious person in your life, but they are no longer in it, for whatever reason. You must still forgive them for your sake. They really did perpetrate a real hurt in you, leading to sadness and then suffering. You may even blame yourself for what they did – feeling hopeless, helpless and guilty. Your distorted ‘frame of reference’ will affect the way you look at everything.
Consider what kind of abuse could have caused your abuser to be so monstrous. Have compassion and forgiveness for them having to endure such a pain. Then, you will be able to get along with the business of life.
Forgive yourself. Maybe you aided your abuser, maybe not. Either way, you made the best decision at the time, with the tools that you had, to survive. If you could have seen a better way, you would have taken it.
Caveat! If you still have abusive people in your life, forgive them, but establish firm healthy boundaries so that they can no longer cause you harm. Accept that some people allow evil to fester within, and steer clear of them. You cannot change them; but you can pray for them – from afar.
Cover yourself with huge amounts of love and compassion if you see that you have allowed this evil to stay in your presence, because you were hoping some scraps of love and acceptance would be thrown your way. If that’s true, look deep, because it’s probably how you relate to everyone.
In which case, you’ve been trying to recreate the perfect friend or love in that toxic relationship. Just acknowledge it, move on, and quit punishing that person in the mirror.
When you give yourself that love and compassion and stay in the present moment, you will attract the kind of relationships that enhance those qualities in your life. As you recognize that only you are responsible for how your life turns out, you will be able to steer it on a much more loving course.
You will also be able to see what anyone is being or doing, which allows you to stand back from their toxic strategies and stop taking it personal. Your life will be toxic-free.
To answer the second half of this question, ‘How do you want people to change,’ if you refer to you answers in your journal, you will find that most of the changes are ones that you want to see in yourself. Ask yourself, ‘Do I need to make these changes?’ Why have I been running strategies in opposition to them?’
Drop the strategies, and the changes will happen by themselves…
6. Who have caused or continue to cause you pain?
7. Who have you chosen not to forgive?
8. Who are your enemies?
These 3 questions are a subset of question 5:
No one can cause you pain; you must choose to be hurt. (I’m not talking about actual abusers. However, if it is in your power to get away from them, and you’ve not done so, you need to examine yourself, to find out what your payoff is, for believing it’s worth the pain of remaining a victim.
Take a meditative look at the people who hurt you. Ask yourself, ‘How do I feel when I am around them? Do these feelings still have any validity in the present time? It might even be possible that your feelings are rooted in past events, and not related to this person at all.
If, after careful consideration, you still feel justified, look to see if you have earnestly communicated your hurt to the perpetrator. It’s possible they have no clue about your feelings because they are too deep into their own head. Apply compassion. They too have been wounded in life. Perhaps you can help them see something that they have not been conscious of.
For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend… Job 6:14 NASB
Those you have chosen not to forgive are those with whom you have a pain response. Ultimately, whatever they have done, you must forgive them as God forgives you (Mt. 6:14). It doesn’t mean that you have to like them or have them in your proximity. But if you don’t forgive, you lock hate and bitterness inside, eating away at you like a cancer. You will even hate yourself for hating.
Every human problem is rooted in a lack of love for oneself. You must expel all forms of hate from your heart.
Your enemies are the same people whom you perceive have caused your pain, and that you’ve chosen not to forgive. You cannot afford to have enemies. Jesus told us to love our enemies (Mt. 5:44).
Begin by loving the person you’ve made the biggest enemy out of – yourself! Then you can radiate love outwards. We were put on this earth to have unconditional love for God, ourselves and everyone else. Acceptance always follows unconditional love.
A friend loves at all times… Pr. 17:17
When you become your own best friend, your world will be filled with friends, and ‘enemy’ will be a forgotten word. To be continued…
Goodnight and God bless